As always, rights to Ranma 1/2 belong to Rumiko Takahashi

By Steve Pardue <steve@spardue.org>
http://www.spardue.org/anime

The Death of Love
==============

Death
*****

It's funny, how not having something good can hurt more than having 
something bad. If you'd told me that last week, I would've laughed. I mean, it 
sounds stupid, right? That's what I thought anyway.

It's even funnier that I didn't know I had something good until it was gone. I 
had it good, better than I ever will again, and now, no matter what happens, no 
matter how well I do, that something is gone, and its absence will cause me 
pain for as long as I live.

When Ranma was hurt, I realized I loved him. His insults, his arrogance, his 
fiancees, none of it mattered. I loved him. I loved him more than anyone I've 
ever known. May the gods help me, I think I loved Ranma more than I loved 
my own mother. 

And now that he's gone, I know I did. When my mother died, I got over it. 
Sounds horrible doesn't it? To say 'I got over it' about my own mother's death? 
Makes it sound like I failed a test or something. But I did. The scary thing is 
that I don't think I will ever get over Ranma's death.

When Ranma lay dying in my arms, his life blood spilling out of that gaping 
hole in his chest, I felt my heart breaking.  It was actually a physical pain. Not 
some imagined ache in my mind, not some arcane, magical agony, but real, 
physical pain.

Thinking back, I believe I felt Ranma die. I could tell you the exact moment 
when his heart stopped and his soul left his body. It hurt so much that I thought 
I was going to drop dead right there. Sometimes I think I did.

I woke up in my bed. Kasumi was sitting with me, wiping my forehead with a 
damp cloth. She had her sad smile #2 on -- the one that said that she was really 
sorry that the man you loved just died and that you were feeling bad, but dinner 
needed to be cooked and she needed a few ingredients from the store, and 
would you mind getting the items on this list for her?

I was shocked too. It was a thought I hadn't thought myself capable of. I'd never 
thought anything like that about Kasumi before. I just told myself that I was 
still upset over Ranma's death. I was the bereaved, damn it, I had a right to 
think a few unkind thoughts!

Anyway, Kasumi smiled, and hugged me. She said she was so sorry. I think she 
was expecting me to break down and cry. The fact that I didn't should have told 
me something was wrong. Instead I just nodded, thanked her, and asked if I 
could take a bath. Kasumi seemed a little shocked about my attitude. She 
wanted me to stay in bed, she said she'd bring a little bit of soup up for me. I 
just stood up and left the room. No point in wallowing around in bed moping. 

As I walked down the hallway, I could hear weeping coming from Ranma's 
room. The door was open just a little bit, and through the crack I could see 
Ranma's mother on his bed, sobbing. For a woman ready to have her son 
commit suicide over his manliness, or lack thereof, she sure was a wimp.

I didn't enjoy the bath as much as I thought I would. It was nice and all, and it 
did freshen me up, but it sure didn't improve my attitude any. By then even I 
was starting to notice that maybe my feelings were a little. . . off.

I ate dinner with the rest of the family. Dad was at his usual place, sobbing into 
his newspaper, the bastard. He'd pulled this crap every day since Mom died. I 
got over my mother's death just fine, why the hell couldn't he? I could 
sympathize with him, I'd just lost the love of my life, after all, but did you see 
me crying into my food? And what was Ranma to him anyway? Just a complete 
stranger he picked to give his youngest daughter to. He might as well have 
picked a bum off the street, for all he cared.

Nabiki sat at the table, looking perfectly normal. Every now and then she'd look 
at the space next to me. Sometimes she looked a little crestfallen, sometimes 
she sighed a little sorrowfully. Some people might think she was showing her 
grief as well as she could. Me, I figure she was just starting to miss the yen she 
used to make off Ranma. She even sold pictures of me, her own sister, the 
damn money grubbing bitch.

Ranma's father sat in silence. The son of a bitch. If I hadn't known before, I 
knew now that he really didn't care about his family. If he did, he'd be up 
comforting his wife instead of down here feeding his face.

About then Kasumi walked in, carrying the last plate. She sat it at Ranma's 
place. Everyone at the table, even Nabiki, gasped and looked at me. Kasumi 
immediately started to take the plate, apologizing for her mistake. I just shook 
my head and picked up the plate. 

I told Kasumi not to worry about it. I took a pair of chopsticks and slid the food 
off the plate and onto Mr. Saotome's. I smiled at him. Everyone knew he 
wanted it anyway. As I started to eat I heard Dad crying into his paper again.  
Bastard.

After dinner I went upstairs to my room. I guess the events of the day left me a 
little tired. As I passed Ranma's room I noticed that his mother had cried 
herself to sleep. Good. At least she wouldn't keep me up with her spineless 
sobbing. 

When I got to my door I found P-chan waiting to be let in. I picked the little  
porker up by the bandanna he always wore around his neck. I tried to take it off 
once, but there was just another one beneath it, and another one beneath that. 
Weird, huh? Anyway, I'd only let him sleep with me because he made Ranma 
jealous. I took him outside and dropped him on the ground. 

Finally I was back in my room, in my pajamas, and in bed. I suffered through 
the visits by Dad and Kasumi. Nabiki didn't bother to come, which was fine 
with me. After Kasumi left I locked my door. 

And that's when it hit me. The pain. At first I was relieved. Finally I could cry 
and grieve and get over it. Just like with Mom. Like I said before, even I had 
seen that my emotions weren't normal. But the tears still wouldn't come. I lay 
in my bed, on top of the covers, and the tears still wouldn't come! 

Even now, when I close my eyes I can see Ranma's dead body, cradled in my 
arms, and I feel the moment coming when my heart will stop, and I know that 
I'm going to die, and the moment comes and I can feel the tension in my chest 
now as I relive it and it's here and. . . 

Nothing. 

I feel nothing. 

And the nothing hurts more than *anything* I have ever felt because I should 
feel *something*. I want to feel something, but I don't, oh god, why don't I feel 
anything?

That's what made me realize that I don't love Ranma anymore. Or Dad or 
Kasumi or Nabiki or the Saotomes or my friends or. . . or even myself. It's just 
gone. And I know I should, I know I did, I know I want to. . . but. . . I don't.
  
And that's how I know not having something good hurts more than having 
something bad.

Ambivalence
**********

It's been a while now since Ranma died, and I guess I'm handling my new 
feelings, or lack of them, better. That first night, I thought that surely I was 
imagining things, that after a while I'd remember how to love my family. 

Well, after three months, they still sucked.

I say that in the kindest possible way. They did their best to try and support me 
-- to help me through that difficult time. They did seem to worry about me. 

I didn't really care. 

The Saotomes left the dojo. Mr. Saotome said that it was just 'too difficult' for 
his wife to stay with the memories of Ranma in the house. I think they left 
because she couldn't face me anymore.  I thought someone with her sense of 
honor would have killed herself by then. She evidently found it easier to hold 
others to her standards than herself. She took it pretty hard when I told her 
Ranma would probably still be alive if she weren't such a poor excuse for a 
mother. "How does it feel," I asked her, "to know that your son died afraid of 
you?"

If you ask me, it was a comment worthy of Nabiki. Nabiki, the hypocrite, was 
pissed when I told her so. A few weeks later I heard that she was shutting down 
her operation and forgiving all interest on her loans. The rumor was that she 
just wanted her own money back and then she was out of the business for good. 
I wouldn't know, she quit talking to me. That was probably a good thing. She 
always charged too much to talk anyway.

School was easy deal with. Easier than I thought it would be. Most people were 
smart enough to just leave me alone, especially my former friends. I'm glad I 
didn't have to hurt any of them like I hurt Kuno. Despite being an idiot, and 
blind to reality, I really thought he'd take it like a man. I was rather surprised to 
see him crying when the ambulance took him away. I think he was over 
reacting. After all, they told me he should be walking again in a year or so. 
Come to think of it, I think that was when Nabiki stopped talking to me. 

Without Ranma around to provide excitement, things got pretty boring around 
the dojo. To start with, none of the bimbo fiancees dropped by to poison, drug 
or kidnap anyone.

Kodachi wasn't heard from. 

Shampoo and Mousse returned to China with Cologne. I understand Shampoo 
let Mousse beat her the very day she found out about Ranma's death. She finally 
showed her true colors. The Chinese slut better hope she never runs into me.

Ukyo is keeping her restaurant going. I guess she doesn't have anything else to 
live for. I dropped by one afternoon, curious to see how she was doing. I always 
thought that under different circumstances we might could've been friends, 
back when I cared. 

When I walked in the door, our eyes met, and we knew.  I left without talking 
to her, and I suspect that I'll never see her again. I know I'll do my best not to. 
The truth is hard enough to deal with without looking it in the face, much less 
talking to it.

That encounter made me think about the direction my life was going to take. I 
might have had ambitions before I met Ranma. To tell the truth, I really don't 
remember. To fill my time I began to train again. Not the usual self-righteous 
violence I used to call training, but serious, dedicated training. 

I asked Dad to train me, but after the Saotomes moved out he dropped all 
pretense of living. All he does is go from the bed to the table and back to bed. I 
figure he'll die within a year if he keeps acting like that. 

I trained myself for a while, but of course I didn't get very far. You just can't do 
that and expect to improve at my level of experience. That was one of the few 
benefits of my current 'condition' -- I was finally being honest with myself 
about my skills and abilities. I think that part of me was sorry I couldn't have 
done this earlier, when I could have shared my new found honesty with Ranma, 
but since I don't feel anything for him anymore, it's hard to say. 

It sure wasn't enough to keep me up at nights wondering.

Ryoga showed up a little while after I started to train. He was in an odd mood. 
Cheery one minute and depressed the next. In hindsight, I guess he was pretty 
much normal. He trained me for about a week before he got lost. 

Ryoga showed up again about two days later -- his fastest trip to the store yet. 
When he got back he had a ring and asked me to marry him. 

I laughed in his face. Then I told him I liked him better as P-chan, at least a pig 
couldn't ask me stupid questions. 

I don't know when I realized that Ryoga was P-chan, except it was sometime 
after Ranma's death. It just didn't seem important. I'd even let him sleep in my 
bed after I knew the truth. I just didn't have any feelings about the issue one 
way or the other.

Anyway, Ryoga seemed to be pretty upset that I knew. He kept raving about 
Ranma for some reason. Even though I didn't give a damn about Ryoga (and 
remember, I don't give a damn about anyone anymore, so I don't mean that in a 
bad way), he used to be a friend, and I prefer to try and avoid hurting my 
former friends, so I felt like I should say something to him. Besides, he looked 
like he was ready to Shi Shi Hokudan himself and half of Nerima into oblivion. 

So I asked him if he wanted to fuck me. 

That brought him up short. He even forgot to have a nose bleed. He didn't say 
anything, so I stripped my bottoms off, turned around and bent over. That 
flexibility training really comes in handy, huh? I heard him leave about five 
minutes later. Haven't seen him since. I did hear that he drops by Ukyo's every 
now and then, they also say he's going to school in his old district. Maybe one 
of the old gang will have a normal life, after all.

Kasumi and Dr. Tofu finally got together. The result is that she's expecting her 
first child, even though she already broke up with Dr. Tofu. It's all her own 
fault, really. She should have learned more about life than how to cook and 
clean. Maybe having another kid around the house will help shake Dad out of 
his depression. He should enjoy having another life to ruin.

Nabiki left home for good. She packed up and left for college. Didn't even leave 
a forwarding address or phone number. 

I guess that just about brings me up to the present. Oh, except for what I plan to 
do with my life. I guess old ambitions are best after all, or at least the most 
convenient, so I'm going to continue on as heir to the Tendo School of 
Anything-Goes Martial Arts. Of course, I won't be inheriting the dojo anymore. 
The last I heard Dad was still raving about what he was going to do to me for 
leaving with Master Happosai. 

So right now I'm sitting across the fire from the Master. He's reading some 
cheap porn mag I dug out of a garbage bin for him, and I'm cataloging the new 
additions to his collection. He lets me keep one or two every now and then as a 
treat. 

I'm a little surprised that he still hasn't tried to grope me, or worse. I really 
don't care -- I was willing to sleep with a pig just so it wouldn't walk away sad, 
after all. But he hasn't yet, and sometimes, when he's sober and we're not 
running for our lives from the locals, I look in his eyes and I can see my own 
staring back at me. 

I hope I die soon. I don't want to think about living with the ambivalence for as 
long as he has.

Acceptance
*********

It's been five years since Ranma died. I'm twenty-two, and the undisputed 
Grand Master of the School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts. When I leave 
Nerima today, I'm not coming back. I look down at Ranma's grave and think to 
myself that today is the last time I’ll visit him.

I didn't come back to see my family, although I did, and I didn't come to 
rekindle old acquaintances, although they tried. No, I came to bring Father and 
Saotome back into the fold.

I was all the way over in Bangkok when I found out they broke with the School. 
If there was one thing Happy taught me, it's that you never let your inferiors 
think they can cross you and get away with it.

Once I asked Happy why he'd agreed to train me. He told me that he could tell I 
had 'transcended the petty morality which had imprisoned my will'. It was one 
of his typical bullshit answers. Sarcastically, I asked him when he knew.

He looked me in the eyes and told me he knew I was ready when I offered to 
screw that pig just because it was easier than not. Of course, he probably just 
figured that meant I'd be willing to screw him.

Looking back now, it's obvious why Happy taught me. It was my ambivalence. 
After Ranma died, I just didn't care. And that's what he was looking for. A 
disciple who would do anything, without a second thought, just because he said 
to and they didn't give a damn. And for four years, I did. 

In those four years I learned as much about martial arts as Ranma did in ten. It 
wasn't because I was better than Ranma. He was a faster learner and a better 
fighter. Hell, he'd probably still beat me most of the time. If he'd trained with 
Happy he'd have learned all I did and more. If he'd had the proper attitude. But 
he never did. He always had too much honor, too many scruples. As amazing as 
it sounds, even Saotome had too many. My father, well, he was probably the 
weakest student Happy ever had. I, on the other hand, was a very good student.

The most important lessons he taught weren't about fighting. They were about 
life. How to manipulate people. How to crush a person into submission. How to 
take away everything a person holds dear and not give a damn about it. Nabiki 
would have been even better than me, if she hadn't caught a sudden case of 
morals right before she left.

My first encounter with old an acquaintance came as I walked down the streets 
of Nerima. Mousse jumped off a roof and attacked. I was half expecting it. After 
all, you can't just kill fourteen amazons and expect them to stop coming after 
you. Then again, most of them have given up -- a mounting body count has that 
effect, but Mousse took Shampoo's death pretty hard. I once said that the 
Chinese bimbo had better not cross my path. It was too bad for her that she did.

It's too bad for Mousse that he still hadn't learned to put on his glasses. I guess 
that's the last time he'll ever make that mistake. I wish he hadn't attacked me.

Actually, I didn't mean to kill Shampoo either. I was willing to walk away. But 
she wasn't, and she paid the price. That was my first fight, as opposed to a 
sparring match, since I started training with Happy. Even so, I was more than a 
match for her. Happy didn't exactly take me to the established dojos. He liked to 
hock my virtue to the bookies for credit when I sparred.  It was a good incentive 
to win, and, after all, I'm still pure. 

Happy said I was blooded when I killed Shampoo. After that there was no 
turning back.

We were training at Jusenkyo at the time. I spent about a year running between 
Jusenkyo, the Amazon Village and the Musk Dynasty. I never did meet Herb 
during that trip, which is just as well. Even Happy had a lot of respect for him. 
I managed to avoid picking up a curse. There were a couple of close calls, but 
somehow I avoided the pools. 

I spent several days meditating at the Spring of Drowned Girl. Even without 
love, I found it comforting to be near Ranma again, even if it was just the pool 
that changed our lives forever. It was something. 

The last time I saw Happy, I was standing at the side of that pool. I had just 
learned that Happy was involved with Ranma's death. I didn't know why, or 
how, and to tell the truth, didn't care. The old man was getting a little afraid of 
me, of how quickly I was learning. I was a danger to him, and that made him a 
danger to me. 

So I did the only sensible thing I could. I dunked him in the spring, and carried 
the wet, young and very female Happy off to the Musk Dynasty. Happy was still 
too ugly for Herb, but Lime and Mint weren't as picky. 

I passed Ryoga and Ukyo on the street, and tried to ignore them. It's better for 
them not to be around me, and besides, it's easier not to get involved with 
people I used to know. As usual, I didn't get what I wanted.

Ryoga grabbed my arm, I looked at Ukyo, none of us said anything. After a 
minute she pulled Ryoga away. He looked like he was going to cry. No wonder 
he could never beat Ranma. At least Ukyo seemed to be doing better. Maybe 
she found something more than the restaurant.  I hope so.

Tofu's clinic was gone. The quickmart there has good slurpees though.

The Kuno Mansion seems to have grown barbed wire and a multitude of 
security guards. They way it was setup, it looked like it was more to keep 
people in, than out.

The school was the same as it always was.
 
And finally, the dojo. It was worse than I expected. Trashy pictures of Saotome 
and Father in action poses. Panda action figures with rotating battle-action 
arms. And emblazoned across it all, in flashing neon lights: "The Tendo-
Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts". 

Kasumi answered my knock at the door. She never said a word, just stared for a 
second before she closed the door in my face. She never even dropped her 
smile. I guess she was still pissed about me leaving.

I walked around to the dojo. It seemed mostly the same, but the mirrored 
ceiling was incredibly tacky. Some 'person' wearing a black belt and teaching 
the class asked if he could help me. I guess he didn't know any better, but if I'd 
gone easy on him I'd have had to go harder on the rest. I asked him where 
Father and Saotome were. He seemed to take offense at my tone of voice, so I 
was forced to get a little physical with him.

Anything-Goes, my ass. More like a game of duck-duck-goose if you ask me.

Afterwards I sat in the middle of the floor and waited for the two owners to 
return from the bar. Apparently that's where they spent every afternoon. Soon 
enough they arrived. 

Saotome, at least, recognized Happy's mark in my expression, and immediately 
started groveling. Father appeared to have grown a spine, which was okay too, 
it just meant I got to have a little bit of instructional fun. I'm sure the students 
all appreciated the exposure to several new and painful submission holds which 
I demonstrated on my very willing assistant. 

After kicking the students and instructors out, I ripped into the two groveling 
men. I don't give a shit if they run a crappy commercial dojo, but they damn 
well better not put the name Anything-Goes Martial Arts anywhere near it. I 
gave up a lot for the Art (or at least I like to say I did, I really don't care enough 
about anything for it to matter if I give it up), and I won't have it sullied by 
them.

After personally supervising the two of them while they pulled down the signs 
and burned all the pamphlets they could find, they invited me for dinner. At 
least they remembered their duty towards their Master.

Kasumi wasn't too pleased at my staying for dinner. To tell the truth, I wasn't 
too pleased to eat it. The food wasn't as good as I remembered it being. 
Probably had something to do with the pack of cigarettes Kasumi inhaled while 
cooking. Either that or the cooking wine she kept 'testing'. Now I guess I know 
how Ranma felt, trying to eat my cooking.

There was a little boy and girl running around, Kasumi's kids.  She still hasn't 
married. I knew the boy was Tofu's, but when I asked about the girl Kasumi 
gave me a strained smile and took another sip from her specially fortified tea. I 
looked at Saotome, but he just shrugged, and refused to meet my eyes. Father 
read the paper. At least the bastard doesn't cry anymore. 

Later Father told me that Saotome's wife committed suicide last year, after she 
walked in on him and some girl. He sold their house and used the money to 
finance the dojo.

Father also told me that Tofu and Kasumi tried to get back together after their 
son was born. It didn't work out. I don't figure it's such a bad thing, though. 
With the money Tofu sends every month, it's easily the most profitable 
investment Kasumi will ever make.

My room had been left alone. There was a padlock on the door and an inch of 
dust on the floor. I slept downstairs rather than sneeze all night. Besides, my 
room was just another dead memory to me. I was under Kasumi's room and the 
noises coming down through the ceiling kept me up all night. I left before 
sunrise. Even if I didn't care, it still hurt. As stupid as it sounds, it's true. 

So here I am now with you, Ranma. I still can't grieve for you, but I promise 
that the day I can is the day I join you.

Grief
****

It's been seven years since I came to Nerima to discipline Tendo and Saotome. I 
never did have any more trouble from them. They died about a year ago. Some 
fight in a cheap bar. 

But that's not why I'm back in Tokyo today. Today is my son's fifth birthday, 
and the first time I will have seen him since the day he was born. I guess some 
part of me needs to see how he's doing, even if I can't find it in my heart to love 
him. 

Some people think I don't love my son because his father is some unknown 
foreigner who disappeared with all my cash the morning after. That's not it. 
No, I don't love my son because I just don't give a damn. And I haven't for 
twelve long years. Not since the day Ranma died. 

That's not entirely true. I do give a damn about a few things. The School, the 
Art. But not people. The day Ranma died I found out that I just couldn't love 
anymore. Like he took it all with him when he left. But I can't blame him for 
that. I can only blame myself for not telling him he owned my heart before he 
got in that stupid fight.

Years later I found out that the resident pervert had actually set the fight up for 
some plot of his, and I killed him. But not because he'd killed Ranma. Just 
because he became a danger to me. That bothers me sometimes. I should have 
killed him for Ranma.

Sometimes I lie to myself that I did, but I know it's not true. That part of myself 
that died stays gone no matter what I do. Not even my own child can fill that 
loss.

To my surprise, when I placed the baby up for adoption I found out that Nabiki 
was taking him. I wouldn't have thought she could have found out about my 
pregnancy in a foreign country, but I guess Nabiki is Nabiki, even if she isn't.

She really changed when Ranma died and I left. I think when she saw that I 
was becoming what she had become after Mom's death, she got scared. Did a 
complete one-eighty and headed off as fast as she could in the other direction. 

Nabiki and her husband have two kids of their own, plus mine. They live a 
comfortable middle class life just outside Tokyo. She's as far away from Nerima 
as one can get and still be able to commute to central Tokyo for work. She does 
a lot of volunteer work there now.

I understand that Nabiki quietly makes sure Kasumi has enough to get by, and 
keep the dojo up, even if it is a little difficult for them. I hope the dojo will hold 
happier memories for Kasumi and her children than it does for me.

Anyway, here I am, walking up the street towards the small house Nabiki lives 
in. It's not nearly as big as the dojo was, but I can see that it's well maintained, 
cozy and cheerful. In the yard I can see two boys, maybe nine or ten, playing 
with a dog. The door opens and I see another boy run out. My son.

He seems to be a happy child. He runs and plays with the other two. He screams 
and hollers and chases the dog until a woman comes to the door to scold him 
for the noise. 

Nabiki is older and heavier than I remember her. She was always so adamant 
about her figure. Now she's put on a little weight, but looks comfortable with it. 
She wears a loose sweater over a long flowing skirt, and has an apron tied 
around her. Her hair has grown out a little, but she still keeps the same cut. As 
she scolds the smallest boy the other two catch the dog and all four go back into 
the house.

Now that the time has come, I find myself nervous, for the first time in so long 
that I don't even recognize the emotion when I first feel it. As I walk up to the 
house I can feel my stomach constricting tighter and tighter into a small, hard 
knot until I can hardly stand up straight. I see Nabiki open a window in their 
living room, and briefly look out. 

I don't think she sees me.

Forcing back my uneasiness, I sneak up to the window and glance inside. I see 
her and my son sitting on the couch looking through a photo album. The boy 
sits against Nabiki, and she has one arm around his shoulder, her other hand 
balancing the large book while the boy turns the pages and asks Nabiki 
questions.

"Who's this?"

"Me, when I was in high school."

"Wow! You were thin!"

"What? Are you saying I'm fat?" Nabiki tickles the boy until he rolls off the 
couch. I smile. The boy climbs up next to Nabiki again. He turns the page. 

"Who are they, Auntie?"

Auntie? I wonder why Nabiki has my son call her auntie. I guess she doesn't 
want to take my motherhood away, even if I don't want it.

"That's me again."

"You're pretty."

"Thank you. And that's your Auntie Kasumi. That's Grandpa. And see the girl 
there? That's your mother."

"Yeah! Akane's my mom!"

Now I can feel the knot in my stomach growing larger. I hate this. I don't care. 
I don't care, I tell myself. Damn Nabiki! Why is she making this so hard?

"And who's next to your mommy?"

"That's my daddy! Ranma!"

Oh god, what is she telling him? Damn it hurts, I can feel a ball of fire where 
my gut used to be. I have to clench my teeth and strain to keep from doubling 
up.

"Auntie?"

"Hmm?"

"When are Mommy and Daddy coming back?"

I start to stumble back to the gate. I hope I can get out before anyone sees me. 
This was a mistake. As I reach the gate I hear Nabiki's answer. Her voice is too 
clear to have carried out the window from the couch. I know she must be 
watching me, crawling away like a wounded animal. I can't look back.

"I don't know, Ranma-chan."

Later that afternoon, I finally lay my head on the grass over Ranma. Why, oh 
god, why did Nabiki do this to us? It hurts so damn much. Listening to her and 
my son, why did she name him after you? Why did she tell him you were his 
father? 

I could see it, this afternoon. I could see my life the way I wanted it to be, just 
me and you and our  family and, oh god, it's coming, I can feel it coming, I can 
finally, finally, feel it coming!

When I close my eyes I see your dead body, cradled in my arms, and I feel the 
moment coming when my heart will stop, and the moment comes and I feel the 
tension in my chest now and it's here and. . .